My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
