FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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