I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm really busy with my period
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