life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
