Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
