I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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