glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
