just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
