so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
True college students do jello shots in the library
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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