I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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