Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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