I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
