I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
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the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
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Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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