Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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