there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
