Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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