I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I need moral support for this bender
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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