the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
