Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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