upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
