things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
