the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
