I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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