I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Is it because I queefed?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
