I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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