my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
