btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
