used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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