Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
