life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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