Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When are your genitals available?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
