he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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