can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It was confusing and full of hummus
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
