I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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