I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You did what with his pubic hair?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
