Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
