woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
