Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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