did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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