You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
