Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
