So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
