Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
