I'm gonna have a badass scar
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
