I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
God, you're like boner-b-gone
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
