I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
