she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
