sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
