i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
