I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
