Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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