God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
