I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
