I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
