apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
