C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
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