oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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