onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
