Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
