i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
